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13th September 2009

10:51pm: ...
flip-flop.
that's you.
a totally different person than the one
i used to know. evil doppelganger or
something stupid and sci-fi like that.
i've forgotten you, yet i can't shake
your face out of my head.
bit by fucking stupid bit.
your voice is gone.
soon your eyes will follow.
your smile, your laugh.
and this will never be about you,
the person who everyone probably
thinks it's about.
i want to make contact again
so that i can be the one to tell
you to fuck off this time.
i want it to be my choice.
soon.

6th September 2009

7:22pm: ...
you are a one line poem.
you come and go.
beautiful and short, i can't
believe how much you touch me.
and although your ending is definite,
i always wonder how you began.
began to move on.
began to hate me.
fuck it, i say out loud.
but inside i'm a storm cloud
of depression and pain.
jesus christ.
and if he was really nailed
he knows how i feel every time,
every morning, every night that
i remember you.

8th August 2009

5:22pm: chelsea, read at least three times before responding. although, i'd rather you not.

yes, i said oscar was my only friend, because i was depressed and down on myself.
yes, i was depressed and down on myself because i'm left out of the loop sometimes.
yes, he has other friends. whatever.

i said nothing mean to you last night, i was just upset because i was lied to a few times and getting drunk was chosen over spending time with me. it makes me uncomfortable to be around that much drinking because it makes them stupid and loud. you take things way too personal and then get upset when others do the same thing; this is a prime example of that.

i've actually been kind of glad these last few weeks jc has been here, because you actually talk to us and aren't a pain in the ass when he's around. but seriously chelsea, it was one day apart. he's being incredibly rude by not spending time with his actual family, and you are incredibly rude by being the catalyst to that.

to bring up things we've talked about privately on a public forum like twitter is just the definition of cruel. i could tell everyone, family included, all the shit you say about them behind their backs if i wanted to, but i don't. sure, i can be mean to you sometimes, but most of the time things you qualify as mean are not. they are usually responses to things you've done, or things that you have no right getting upset over.

and to say the things you did (with no provocation on my part, might i add) and think they are justified...that just blows my mind away. the audacity. and then to bring up the guilt trip of, "YOU WERE MY HERO, BLAH BLAH BLAH," is just ridiculous. if i was really important to you, you should have done a bit more to show that, and not used it as a tool to make me feel bad.

there are a few issues you need to work out on your own before attacking, belittling, and humiliating me. all on an ASSUMPTION, of all things. and seriously chelsea, i do all i can to spend time with you but, like jc with his family, your relationship always takes first priority. and there's no way you can deny that. be it texting while we're watching a movie, playing a game, etc. or hiding away in your room all day, there's very little i can do to keep your attention. and in a year, you'll be gone, and don't give me shit about actually wanting to go to that particular school, because there's one in sacramento.

all just to be closer to your boyfriend. your FIRST boyfriend. and away from your family, because we're all so horrible, right?

so go ahead, chill with jc. i'm sure he's awfully surprised with the way you've acted today, because he's finally seeing the real you. and i hope you understand how it feels to have an entire list of things that should be kept private exposed publicly.

31st July 2009

6:52pm: i've hit the wall with an explosion,
while my insides cry out, crashing.
crass and loud interior.
an image of calm.
what i wanted is someone,
and this is not what i wanted.

7th July 2009

11:45am: and to make matters worse.
i've always been there for you.
but you always pick me second or
third after everyone else you know.
take take take take take take take.
that's you.

what the fuck do i have to do to
get you to talk to me?
say, "LET'S PARTY BRO," more often?
treat you like shit like other people do?
take your shit over and over without being
able to give any form of it back to you?
i really don't get it.
and it's a totally legitimate question,
so don't shrug me off anymore.
11:41am: fuck.
missed my yearly "sure-thing" scholarship,
so now i'm pretty sure i won't be doing any
school this semester, which i'm sure will piss
someone here off a whole bunch.
i need money so bad, it's not even funny.
fuck.

30th June 2009

8:07am: you're still so fucking high school, it's almost ridiculous.

26th June 2009

5:45pm: hm.
when did i become such a bitter asshole?

7th June 2009

11:30pm: i'm slowly losing friends,
and it's dwindled down to just
a few of my closest.
i'd like to say it's because the
others weren't worth being friends
with, but that's petty and stupid.
i liked them. i liked my other friends
a lot, especially a couple that i
thought would always be around...and
if not that, a few more years at least.

i used to look forward to your visits.
but more and more it seemed like i wasn't
worth your time, and all i got were excuses.

and the one.
the fucking one i can never seem to get over
because i'm weak and hopeless, and such a spineless
loser i can't bring myself to confront her on all
her shit. what, was i being too nice when you broke
our only connection across thousands of miles?
oh man, how dare i.

i need more friends, new friends, old friends.
just anyone. all i do friday and saturday nights
now is wander around my house until i jump in bed.
i guess i just wish people liked and depended on me
as much as i liked and depended on them.

oscar, danny, gene, abigail, josh. mucho love.

25th March 2009

5:12pm: i haven't felt this way in awhile.
just a complete...heaviness.
i don't even know what caused it.
i'm just sad, and don't want to do
anything but lie in bed.

fuck this, seriously.
every reason to be happy,
but no, i feel dead.

24th March 2009

3:14pm: you make me feel like such a fucking idiot.

16th March 2009

2:55am: might be stupid to do,
but we're talking again.

friend-zoned permanently,
i'm sure...but whatever.

22nd February 2009

2:41am: driving alone.
it's horrible when all you want
is someone to sit there and sing
smashing pumpkins songs with you.
to learn the lyrics of all those
same boring songs they play over
and over again, and be happy to
sing just because it's there and
it's only kind of lame.

i read everything you write,
hoping in the slightest that
it's all about me. but,
it never will be and fuck
me for ever thinking that way, right?

i don't know anybody anymore
and it's really starting to set in.

so there's a hole the size of your
silhouette somewhere inside of me.
i can feel it, but i can never seem
to find it and plug it up. the only
thing i want is to hear that you
miss me too, but no way jose will
i ever bring it up...i'll probably
never talk to you again.

someone needs to pull me aside one
day and just lay it on me.
tell me to give up.
tell me to move on from something
that was never really there.
tell me to shut the hell up.

because i'll keep going,
and i don't even want to anymore.

20th February 2009

1:03am: swim through the sky, an otherworldly fish
low to the ground and floating on his back.
make way, because he might be able to see you,
hold still, because they might not be lies.
unfounded steadfastness mixed with haughty eyes,
a flaming cocktail deadlier than any look you could
force from the pupils that used to love.

and i'll sing,
quiet at first
yet never growing.

13th February 2009

8:47pm: wow.
some people really suck sometimes.

23rd November 2008

1:31am: shit. wasabi almonds.
big difference there,
i suppose, and i have
no idea why i was so
compelled to correct
what i wrote, but there
we go. hahaha. and i
wrote her again, because
it's late and i tend to
do stupid, random things
like that....when it's like
this. so yeah, let's see
how fast this conversation
ends.
1:14am: it's good to know i still
have a bunch of reasons to
smile. sure, we don't talk
much anymore, although you
were one of the two people
i hoped i'd never lose from
any of the ways you can lose
people these days. and, sure,
you were the only person i
ever truly loved...the special
kind, not the family or friend
kind. and i hope you know that
that's not just a word i throw
around like everyone else does,
just to describe someone they
are involved with at the moment
and throwing away the next day.
it was true, it was there and,
regrettably, it's still here,
sitting beside me and reciting
the same jack's mannequin lyrics
over and over again in my ear.

i hate to sing them because
it doesn't compare to you,
although you were so quiet.
it was wonderful, and you
were here, and everything was
pretty great. but whatever.

it's the first time in a long
time i've even written about
this, and i'm sure i should
just get over it. but times like
these, i just need to let it
out, and so that's what i've done.
taaa-daaa.

---

your voice is fading,
but it's your laughter
i've forgotten first.
it was the first to go,
but it sure put up a
good fight. i want to
be reminded and i don't
at the same time, so
make the decision yourself.

---

wasabi peas and a big glass of water.
alone II: the home recordings of rivers cuomo.
whatever happens to be on tv, so probably
late night movies or something on nfl network.
whatever happens, happens.

20th November 2008

11:06pm: it's funny.
your words were like a fuck you,
both literally and physically.
i was all of a sudden tired and cold.

19th November 2008

6:48pm: and once again,
a flash of brilliance.
you smile like you used to smile,
way back when we were just friends.
i can't tell if you've been crying
because you still won't look me
in the eyes.
i mutter that i love you,
but it's lost in-between the wind
and my growing distance from you.

---

i think mewithoutYou was the
best thing to happen to my story,
because i want to write like that
weiss guy writes. he's basically
just mumbling and screaming things
into a mic, but it's just...amazing.
i don't know, it's kind of like it
was before anyways, but the inspiration
is there. or something, who knows.

---

but i can't help but smile
when you scream out to god.
i know you'll be disappointed,
because i'm the only one that
truly hears, and you'd prefer
i not get involved.
12:32pm: it's just what i want
to tell you to shut up.
i drag your body through
what we now call life,
lifting you to your feet
now and again so that you
can see the sights.
mutual attraction to our
somewhat mutual connection,
although we know we're
near the end.

----

and now the fucking wind chimes
are banging on my wall.
i always imagine it's someone outside
who somehow knows my dogs enough
that they don't bark, and they're
just sitting there, listening to me
listen to the same songs over and
over again, singing through my dry throat
and out of my badly cracked lips.
no shower because it's my day off,
but one could possibly come soon.
as soon as i finish this game of solitaire,
this album i bought but never listened to.

the books and movies are stacking
higher now because i don't bother
to organize them. i like the idea
of organization but the actual
commitment of it all doesn't really
entice me like it should.

and so i'm out.
toast and tuna with celery.
it's times like these i feel
the worst because i'm alone
but the best because i'm lonely,
and can thank god i still feel.

18th November 2008

12:22am: goddamn she's cute.
too bad my stomach doesn't agree.

-

the desert sands push,
but i push back harder.
walking farther and farther,
she's by my side but not
in my heart.
i'm scared. we're growing apart.
she was the glue, repairing the
distorted picture we called
a relationship.
but now she's dead, and we're
falling to pieces.
i can't take this.
golden globe lead me on.

9th November 2008

10:19pm: her name is like something out of a book.
like it's not real, or something odd like that.
but it is, and she is, and i have no idea what to say anymore.
it's been about a month and a half since i've seen her,
and really the only reason i'm happy and hopeful
to go to work anymore.
her hair is different.
shorter, bleached, beautiful.
but still the same bike,
the same headphones,
metal in her face that somehow doesn't distract.

i talk to every kind of person you could
ever think up in any mind you might have.
i take shit, i take smiles, i take jokes,
i generally have a good time with almost
everyone that comes through that store.
but when the door opens, and i see her walk in,
it's like...my body won't move. i freak, literally,
but on the inside instead of the outside.

i fight him.
he says i shouldn't be afraid of anything,
but i just can't let myself believe she's into me.
it's been said before, and the last time was
really, really, really, really fucking brutal.

all i could say was the usual bullshit
about her not being in for awhile,
where she got her bike, life and nothing in general.
she always has a different name for me
as she's leaving, but i forgot what she said this time.
i can't stop smiling, although nothing really happened.

he says i did good.
i just hope i don't have
to spend the next month and
a half promising myself i'll
do something, only to shit
myself when i see her again.
12:11am: up late, seeing if the new killers cd leaked.
it hasn't, and now i'm disappointed.
i don't care what people say,
humans is awesome.

i tried to watch fear and loathing in las vegas
tonight for the first time. it made me sick.
literally, i fell asleep an hour in, had a crazy ass dream
and woke up to try and watch the rest,
and felt like puking the whole time.
i had to go to my room and just sit here for a
minute to get over the nausea.
then i went back out into the living room,
told the 'rents to go to bed,
and turned it off as quick as i could.
bleh.

and now that i look, it's not late at all.
only 12. freaking daylight savings time
has got me all frazzled and confused.
magic school bus reference?
i let you ponder that one yourself.

8th November 2008

1:25am: we sing our eclectic emotions,
constantly.
peace by piece.
i'll scream in your face
and whisper in your ear.
but you still won't hear me.
and i won't care.

5th November 2008

9:23am: i was there.
they passed around poison
disguised as candy, only sweeter.
they wore faces nothing like
their own, while the black and white
on the wall kept replaying itself;
projecting the past and the future,
but for some odd reason never the present.
conspiracy theories and contradicting statements
rampant.
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